Can’t get enough over-analysis?

I’m going to assume you know about my neurotic tendency to over-analyze things. Rest assured that it doesn’t stop at text messages. As many readers commented on the texting article, any kind of communication that’s not face-to-face opens up the opportunity for misinterpretation. And I’m well aware. I planned to write this post before the texting one exploded, but I figured I had to wait a while, so it wouldn’t look like I was just trying to re-do that.

I LOVE this. So me.

I think the only form of technological communication I over-analyze more than texting is interactions on Facebook. Facebook presents the opportunity for so many more subtle, silent “body language” stand-ins, causing me, at least, to analyze my creeping to the max.

I’m guilty of contributing. I often have cryptic statuses, straight from the depths of my latest favorite obscure indie folk song. But I would never put up a cryptic lyric status unless it related in some way to what I was feeling that day, or my current life situation. There’s always a “hint hint” factor in hopes that whomever or whatever it’s directed toward over-analyzes.

Okay, so this one's not from an obscure song ("Flake" by Jack Johnson) but it's been a while since I had a cryptic status and this was the most recent.

If anyone ever gets the reference, though, they don’t tell me. I always make sure to say something if I sense an underlying reason for someone’s quoted status. Sometimes the person is like, “Wow, you got that? That’s totally what I meant!” But, most of the time, they either don’t respond (To me, that’s Facebook lingo for, “You’re totally over-analyzing, but I’m not enough of a jerk to call you out in front of the world of Facebook and make you look stupid”), or they call me out in front of the world of Facebook and make me look stupid.

This girl got called out. But she was totally asking for it.

On my inaugural creep of a new Facebook friend, if I find they have 400 profile pictures and 396 of them are MySpace-style self portraits in the mirror making the duck face, I judge. I don’t know if that’s entirely out of the ordinary — I think it’s safe to say most people will get the impression that user is pretty self-absorbed and really likes the way they look. Maybe that’s just general analysis.

Why? You're fooling no one. Your cheekbones don't look like that unless you're making that face all the time ... which I guess some people are.

While we’re on the topic of profile pictures, there’s always the “hidden meanings” in them, as well. If you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s not uncommon to set your profile picture as the two of you as a happy couple. But God help you the second you change it to a picture of, say, just yourself, or you and some friends. People will start wondering if maybe you’re mad at each other. Rumors will fly that you’re having relationship problems. Maybe one of you is cheating. It’s ridiculous, I know. But, believe me, I’ve seen it happen.

I try to limit my Facebook friends to people I actually interact with in real life (or used to and want to stay in touch with). But leave it to the one thing you don’t want that random acquaintance to see, and they’ll comment on it.

That always makes me wonder just how much of my personal stuff they’re actually creeping on. I like to imagine that only the people I have in mind when I post things see said posts but, of course, that’s not the case on Facebook. It’s times like those I wish Google+ would just catch on already, with their Circles. After worrying which things Random Acquaintance could have possibly seen in the past, I usually end up placing them on my no-no list in my privacy settings … for a little while, at least.

This was likely a hack, but if it wasn't ... Well, then I guess you're asking for it by posting it on Facebook.

Say it’s your birthday. (“It’s my birthday, too, yeah!“) Everyone and their mother will wish you a happy one on your Wall (literally). And if you have a close Facebook friend who doesn’t (which I would define as someone you know in person and interact with on Facebook a lot), it’s on.

See, your birthday is the one time of the year people will creep out of the shadows and post on your Wall. Even if I agree 100% with a post of someone I never talk to on Facebook, I’d feel like a creep if I commented on it. We’ve all got to admit, there are some people we’re friends with solely to “silently” creep on. But that inhibition dissolves on someone’s birthday, where you’re almost obligated to write on their Wall, or else you’ll look like a jerk. I admit, I still hold it against at least a certain person who I know purposefully didn’t acknowledge my Facebook birthday. It’s ridiculous, I know. But it’s like a virtual slap in the face.

I always try to avoid statuses asking if “anyone” wants to do something. (Although, I did, out of desperation, ask who was up for sushi last week because I was craving it and Chris isn’t a fan of the raw fish. It led nowhere. I never got my sushi.) These statuses are traps: Either no one will comment on it, making you feel like a loser who has no friends, or all those Random Acquaintances from before will comment on it, leaving you in an awkward situation.


The “liking” option is sometimes dangerous, too. “Liking” something is usually a way of saying, “I agree casually.” Unless you write something about how bad your day sucks and someone “likes” it with no explanation.  (A suitable explanation could be: “‘Liked’ only because I agree — Not because of your situation!”) Or unless it’s one of those “Bobby went from being “In a Relationship” to “Single” notifications. Those are always fun for attracting the wrong kind of attention. The only other acceptable case for a “mean like” is if you’re good enough friends with the “liker” that you know they’re just messing with you. An unexplained “like” on a depressing status is like kicking someone when they’re down, and is grounds for unfriending.

This is boyfriend Chris, so I know he's messing with me.

On the topic of “liking,” “liking” one’s own status is almost never okay. It says: “I don’t know how to use Facebook,” or, “I’m that much of a loser.” Exceptions, of course, apply in the case of intentional situational humor.

Acknowledged, rendering it situational humor.

Then, there’s the lingering friend request. You request to be someone’s friend, and they don’t accept or deny, but they just never confirm either way. This is a polite way of getting around things. You don’t want to feel mean and deny them, but you really don’t need them creeping on you. So you just let the request linger there in Friend Request Purgatory. I admit, I currently have over 20 of these — People I haven’t talked to since eighth grade who request to be friends with me, people I have never met in my life that come here for oilfield work and see I’m from North Dakota, and people I’ve unfriended because everything they post makes me want to vomit who just don’t get the hint and keep trying to re-friend me.

Straight from my page

I thought I was crazy with my over-analysis of texting, but with the responses I got, I know I can’t be alone here, too. Or maybe I can. Feel free to let me know if I just need to take an extra dose of my happy pills with this one.

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My Super Sketchy Sixteen … with a Creepy Old Guy.

I may be a bit behind the curve, but I just heard about this “51 year-old Doug Hutchison marrying a 16 year-old” thing. Hutchison is most notable for playing Percy Wetmore, the guy nobody liked in The Green Mile and Horace Goodspeed on Lost. Not that I personally recognized him. He goes back to roles in Party of Five and A Time to Kill, too. (Ironically, he played the child rapist.) But those are a little before my time.

Cue "The Creep" by The Lonely Island.

And a lot before 16 year-old Courtney Alexis Stodden’s. Maybe.

Annnnd that's their wedding picture.

All creepiness and illegality aside, this couple is extra controversial. When I first looked into this, I honestly thought, “Okay, so this Hutchison guy is kind of a creeper. Scandalous, but whatever.” But I watched an interview E! News did with the “happy couple” which I found deeply disturbing. I didn’t notice exactly how disturbing until I caught a glimpse of myself reflexively making a disgusted face in the reflection of my laptop screen.

Stodden doesn’t look a day under 25.

Her profile picture on her official Facebook page.

“So, whatever. She looks a little mature for her age. A lot of girls do nowadays,” I thought. I read in RadarOnline’s article about the E! News interview that people were accusing her of being “fake”: Either she’s had a lot of work done, or she’s older than she’s letting on. I thought that was a little obsessive for something that seemed so irrelevant to anyone’s lives.

But then, my curiosity got the better of me. As the interview went on, Stodden’s mannerisms became more … odd. She was striking ridiculous poses and practicing making coy pouty faces into the camera during their live interview. From the sound of it, she was trying really hard to make incoherent, immature responses to every question asked, whipping herself around and fluttering her hair.

Whatever voice you're giving her in your head to make fun of her right now, I guarantee it's not even as bad as hers in real life.

So I looked her up on Facebook, and I found two different pages of hers. “Courtney Stodden” and “Courtney Alexis Stodden Fanpage.” After spending just a short time on these sites, I decided there is no way one person can possibly be this stupid. Something has to be up — She has to be older, and for some reason faking her young age and total ignorance as some publicity stunt. Either that, or she’s actually 16 with the IQ of a shovel. There is no way any guy even in his mid-20s would put up with idiocy of that degree in a relationship, let alone a man who could easily be her father.

Wow, I bet that's how she always pictured it.

First off, she repeatedly refers to herself as an “inspiring” actress/photographer/model/singer/anything else she can think of to sound “good.” Even after people correct her. A normal human who wanted to be taken seriously would learn that she had made a mistake and change it. Stodden seems to only put it more prominently and more often, reinforcing the blonde bimbo persona.

She's giving me no shortage of material to back this up.

Let’s just take this exchange via Facebook comments on this photo:


And that was the exact point that I decided I needed to blog furiously about this. Not only does her long response defy all logic for how little cognitive functioning a person needs to maintain basic human mechanisms like breathing and blinking, but the incoherence of her short, afterthought comments boggles my mind.

The thing that sent me over the edge, though, was her last comment. It seemed to go just a little too far. I don’t know about you, but I think I see a zipper. “… so you should respect me and stuff.” It seems to me that any 16 year-old who’s trying to prove her maturity would avoid the whole “and stuff” default teen suffix. Its belittling, childlike, and it seems like she wanted it that way.

Um, can I take you back to your ... gutter?

But that’s just me speculating. I really don’t see why an older woman would pretend to be 16 and marry a 51 year-old. I guess I don’t see what a 51 year-old would see in a 16 year-old either … besides the platinum blonde hair and I-claim-they’re-real-but-there’s-no-way-in-hell chest.

How many bras does she have on here?

Maybe Stodden is just a really dumb teenager. And, in that case, Hutchison should probably hire a nanny or something for when he’s out of town. And not let Stodden cross the street unsupervised. E! News claims they have her birth certificate, but claiming they have a little piece of paper isn’t going to convince me. Her body definitely looks … aged, in more ways than just her development.

From her Official Facebook -- Taken when she was "13"

Either way, with celebrity stories like this which, I admit, are a guilty pleasure, I always find myself asking, “Why do I care?” I usually don’t have a good reason, but in this case I do: There’s just something too weird about her … and there’s that off chance that she’s an alien robot sent here from some distant galaxy, and her only way in to infiltrate the government is through Doug Hutchison. (She’s already defiled the flag!)

Creeping justified.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but kids singing Rihanna songs shock me.

You may recall my rant about the kinds of TV shows my 10 year-old sister watches in comparison to the shows I watched at age 10. Well, I think this tops it.

I was just getting back to my apartment and noticed three little boys playing and riding their bikes around the block. I parallel parked (flawlessly, may I add) on the street as the little boys rounded the corner by my building. They were playing some imaginary game and yelling to each other. One was really small, maybe 4 or 5, and the other two were probably 8 or 9 at the oldest. As I grabbed my bag from my backseat, the littlest of the group passed my car, tailing their caravan.

“Hi!” he greeted me in his cute little munchkin voice.

“Hi!” I said back, as I made my way to the back door of my building.

With my back turned to them, I was still listening to their little conversation. All of a sudden, I heard the little munchkin voice raise above the other two: “SEX IN THE AIR — I DON’T CARE … uhh. Um. SEX IN THE AIR! I DON’T CARE!

He kept repeating those two lines from Rihanna’s “S&M” over and over even after I’d gone inside. Why were those the two he picked up on?! I’m pretty sure “OMG” was the exact thing going through my mind so, of course, immediately after I got to my unit I had to sit down and blog like crazy about it.

As I was placing the link in the previous paragraph, I found out that you actually have to log in to your YouTube account and confirm you’re 18 to view the music video for “S&M” because the “content may contain material flagged by YouTube’s user community that may be inappropriate for some users.” Well, with a song title like that, what do you expect?

Flattering. A clip from the video.

Every time I hear songs like “S&M” on popular Top 20 stations, I cringe a little. And this is precisely the reason why. I don’t plan on having kids for a million years, so it’s not that I’m necessarily thinking like a parent, but I can’t help but think of my little sister. I was shocked when I learned she knew all the words to all the Ke$ha songs on the radio. Now, every time I hear a song with semi-scandalous lyrics on the radio, I think of my little sister singing it.

The second I heard “S&M” while driving to work one day, I was honestly surprised it could go on the radio, thinking of the naive little ears that the risque lyrics would find their way into. It’s awkward enough hearing someone else’s 5 year-old singing about “sex in the air.” I’d hate to be the parent who has to explain to him why he can’t sing that at the top of his lungs while riding his bike around the neighborhood anymore.

What the heck are you guys searching?

I find this funny. You might too. (P.S. Thanks for not telling me about the random “y” that was dangling at the end of that sentence for like a month now! I LOATHE typos, so tell me about them immediately. Twenty lashes with a wet noodle for me, as my dreaded first grade teacher would say.) Even on a slow … “thought” day (Like today. I guess it can’t be called a slow news day on this kind of blog.) I’m surprised by the hits I sometimes get on my blog. WordPress has this awesome little feature that tells you what search terms your readers typed in to get to your blog. They never cease to amaze me. Here are a few:

  • “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” appears almost daily. Here are a few uber specific Gypsy search terms that make me laugh:
    Pictures of gypsy girls in short skirts looking for future husbands on TLC
    My big fat gypsy wedding show contact
    My big fat gypsy wedding kaitli — No typo.’
    The gypsies tent inn
    My big fat gypsy secrets
    I’m big fat gypsy wedding
  • Some variation of “cankles” is also a daily one
    Celebrities with cankles
    What are cankles
    Why have I got no ankles
    Cankle liposuction
    Cankles deutsch
    And, my personal favorite: Hottest cankles in town
  • A slew of North Dakota search terms
    North Dakota nice
    Show pictures of Williston ND in a snow storm
    Are there any fish in Spring Lake Park Williston ND
    North Dakota — it doesn’t exist (Ha ha.)
    Has Williston ND ever flooded?
    Williston city North Dakota oil June 2011 boom New York (What was this person looking for?!?)
    A child forced to grow up too fast North Dakota
    Is a Menards moving into Williston ND
  • Stuff I’m assuming got people to the iPad story
    iTunes license agreement kidney
    Human CentiPad agreement mouth
    Who wants to buy my kidney?
    What kind of saying is I’d sell my kidney?
  • These ones are in a category of their own: WTF?
    Mischa Barton obesa
    Lap dance
    Inappropriate pictures of Miley Cyrus (multiple times)
    My name is enough
    Gender neutral baby car seat
    Crab pole dance
    Mischa Barton cellulitis (Um, what? And why so much hate on Mischa??)
    A fat Mexican girl with big boobs
    No little brother  for kids can’t go in my room kids
    Dresses for fat teens

I’m not hating — However you got here, I’m glad you’re here and love you for reading. But you’ve got to admit, this search data is pretty entertaining. Hope you got a kick out of it, too.