My Super Sketchy Sixteen … with a Creepy Old Guy.

I may be a bit behind the curve, but I just heard about this “51 year-old Doug Hutchison marrying a 16 year-old” thing. Hutchison is most notable for playing Percy Wetmore, the guy nobody liked in The Green Mile and Horace Goodspeed on Lost. Not that I personally recognized him. He goes back to roles in Party of Five and A Time to Kill, too. (Ironically, he played the child rapist.) But those are a little before my time.

Cue "The Creep" by The Lonely Island.

And a lot before 16 year-old Courtney Alexis Stodden’s. Maybe.

Annnnd that's their wedding picture.

All creepiness and illegality aside, this couple is extra controversial. When I first looked into this, I honestly thought, “Okay, so this Hutchison guy is kind of a creeper. Scandalous, but whatever.” But I watched an interview E! News did with the “happy couple” which I found deeply disturbing. I didn’t notice exactly how disturbing until I caught a glimpse of myself reflexively making a disgusted face in the reflection of my laptop screen.

Stodden doesn’t look a day under 25.

Her profile picture on her official Facebook page.

“So, whatever. She looks a little mature for her age. A lot of girls do nowadays,” I thought. I read in RadarOnline’s article about the E! News interview that people were accusing her of being “fake”: Either she’s had a lot of work done, or she’s older than she’s letting on. I thought that was a little obsessive for something that seemed so irrelevant to anyone’s lives.

But then, my curiosity got the better of me. As the interview went on, Stodden’s mannerisms became more … odd. She was striking ridiculous poses and practicing making coy pouty faces into the camera during their live interview. From the sound of it, she was trying really hard to make incoherent, immature responses to every question asked, whipping herself around and fluttering her hair.

Whatever voice you're giving her in your head to make fun of her right now, I guarantee it's not even as bad as hers in real life.

So I looked her up on Facebook, and I found two different pages of hers. “Courtney Stodden” and “Courtney Alexis Stodden Fanpage.” After spending just a short time on these sites, I decided there is no way one person can possibly be this stupid. Something has to be up — She has to be older, and for some reason faking her young age and total ignorance as some publicity stunt. Either that, or she’s actually 16 with the IQ of a shovel. There is no way any guy even in his mid-20s would put up with idiocy of that degree in a relationship, let alone a man who could easily be her father.

Wow, I bet that's how she always pictured it.

First off, she repeatedly refers to herself as an “inspiring” actress/photographer/model/singer/anything else she can think of to sound “good.” Even after people correct her. A normal human who wanted to be taken seriously would learn that she had made a mistake and change it. Stodden seems to only put it more prominently and more often, reinforcing the blonde bimbo persona.

She's giving me no shortage of material to back this up.

Let’s just take this exchange via Facebook comments on this photo:

And that was the exact point that I decided I needed to blog furiously about this. Not only does her long response defy all logic for how little cognitive functioning a person needs to maintain basic human mechanisms like breathing and blinking, but the incoherence of her short, afterthought comments boggles my mind.

The thing that sent me over the edge, though, was her last comment. It seemed to go just a little too far. I don’t know about you, but I think I see a zipper. “… so you should respect me and stuff.” It seems to me that any 16 year-old who’s trying to prove her maturity would avoid the whole “and stuff” default teen suffix. Its belittling, childlike, and it seems like she wanted it that way.

Um, can I take you back to your ... gutter?

But that’s just me speculating. I really don’t see why an older woman would pretend to be 16 and marry a 51 year-old. I guess I don’t see what a 51 year-old would see in a 16 year-old either … besides the platinum blonde hair and I-claim-they’re-real-but-there’s-no-way-in-hell chest.

How many bras does she have on here?

Maybe Stodden is just a really dumb teenager. And, in that case, Hutchison should probably hire a nanny or something for when he’s out of town. And not let Stodden cross the street unsupervised. E! News claims they have her birth certificate, but claiming they have a little piece of paper isn’t going to convince me. Her body definitely looks … aged, in more ways than just her development.

From her Official Facebook -- Taken when she was "13"

Either way, with celebrity stories like this which, I admit, are a guilty pleasure, I always find myself asking, “Why do I care?” I usually don’t have a good reason, but in this case I do: There’s just something too weird about her … and there’s that off chance that she’s an alien robot sent here from some distant galaxy, and her only way in to infiltrate the government is through Doug Hutchison. (She’s already defiled the flag!)

Creeping justified.


14 thoughts on “My Super Sketchy Sixteen … with a Creepy Old Guy.

    • That was the reenactment of my disgusted face at the laptop screen I mentioned in the paragraph before her. I guess it was kind of a subtle inside joke to anyone who’d watched the jenna marbles video.

  1. She’s certainly not that young, though perhaps that immature and stupid. As a guy I’ll admit I can over look a lot of stupid when a woman is just that beautiful, but even I have a point where I say…..uhhhh no thanks.

  2. When i heard about it I was shocked, but it intrigued me. I don’t know what older man would honestly like a woman that young if he wasn’t a pervert or had some screws missing. The one thing that I can’t figure out is how he would tolerate her, I doubt they have anything to talk about. Even my bf’s friends (30’s) think it would be weird to date a girl who was 21 because they aren’t mature. Sadly this is fascinating though…if they had a reality show I would probably watch

  3. Hahahaha…Your blog is hilarious. I was looking through random pics on Google and came across this. I must not be “with it” , b/c I have never heard of this “girl”! 16! Really?
    Ok, I checked her page out, in her info it says, “I believe in Jesus Christ”. So…unfortunately, I see this on many young girls and guys pages that then list their quotes like “F**k Haters” and music as : “Young Jeezy” and “Nicki Minaj”. WWJD!?! HAHAH!
    I almost feel sorry for people like this, not just because they believe in Jesus Christ, but if that is their choice…they are the epitome of what America has become. A big PARADOX.
    Sorry, these are just my views.
    I had to comment. With this gal wrapped up in the American flag, then defending it by using “….and stuff”. Just makes me want to slap myself! THIS is American entertainment?! I fear for my child.
    Thanks for the awesome blog and letting me share.

  4. Whether she’s 16 or not, faking it or not, there’s just… something /wrong/ with her. Watching that interview made me very uncomfortable and freaked me out! Her comments on Facebook are the types of comments that make me hate people as a whole. Why is she trying to do sexy faces and poses at the camera? Why does she keep saying “Mmm-hmm” in this fake sounding tone? There’s something not right here and it’s just freaky to watch. haha.

    And the comment about saving herself until marriage… I think I responded about the same way you did. XD I’m a Christian, and I think it’s great when people are able to save themselves until marriage, and I think that’s an awesome choice and that it really takes a lot of self control. (Not that you should automatically “respect people and stuff” because of it, though.) Buuuut, it doesn’t take very much self control to save yourself until marriage if you get married at 16. >_>

    • EXACTLY! Wow – big accomplishment! Her interview totally made me squirm, too. I wanted to mute it because of all the “Mmmm HHHMMMs,” but I wanted to hear what creepy Percy Wetmore had to say. Sigh…if they get a TV show, I will throw up. P.S. I like you — I feel like we’d definitely get along. 🙂

      • Haha I felt the same way. I kept wanting to turn it off, but it was almost like I couldn’t look away.

        Yay! I think we would, too. You seem to look at the world in a fun way.

  5. She looks a bit too [can I saw this word?] slutty.

    I think I saw them on TV’s “Inside Edition”. She impresses me as an “active” girl. I’m sure she’s quite a handful 😉 .

  6. Gah this is ridiculous, she definitely doesn’t look 16 and I’m pretty sure a legit doctor wouldn’t do plastic surgery on someone so young. It seems like a ploy to get famous. I know what you mean about “I don’t really care, but I just havvve to read it!” I always get sucked into reading Us Weekly while waiting in the grocery line, I guess maybe because it’s not our lives being ripped apart in front of the whole country!?

  7. its all for a reality series.

    The old creepy guy saw how effectively Obama could make hay out of a birth certificate controversy, so that is what they are also using to help spur the controversy into their own reality series.

    Have a great day!

    Mr Bricks

  8. what is this world coming to?? i saw that interview on E! and that was the first time I had heard about it! i didn’t realize he was an actor. but wow both of them have some issues. Your summary is hilarious and point on. I can’t believe that’s a picture of her at 13, she def looks more than a decade older now! serious plastic surgery. Isn’t the dumb blonde to get famous act old by now? It didn’t work that great for Heidi Montag. I am the same way though, I find myself sucked into E! or US magazine and then i’m asking myself, why do I want to know? I’m just feeding these crazy people’s spotlight, but i can’t stop…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s